


that song you always said you hated

by xelmxy



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: #HaikyuuAngstWeek2020, Angst, Fights, M/M, Musician Semi Eita, Not A Happy Ending, OW, i cried by the end of this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:48:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27367552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xelmxy/pseuds/xelmxy
Summary: "Semi you- you-" Shirabu lost control."I LOST EVERYTHING. I CANT LOSE YOU TOO, EITA."
Relationships: Semi Eita/Shirabu Kenjirou
Comments: 1
Kudos: 30
Collections: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020





	that song you always said you hated

**Author's Note:**

> haha, hello. so today will NOT have a happy ending. sorry... I spent a shit ton of time writing this and I'd like to say it's the work I'm proudest of so far. I hope you all enjoy! This one gets pretty angsty!
> 
> !!Manga Spoilers!!
> 
> TW : there are no tw's that i can think of! stay safe and enjoy.

#HaikyuuAngstWeek2020 - Day 3 - All Tiers

It was raining, or at least Semi thought it was. He couldn't see clearly through the windows of the church's windows, since they were glass stained with pictures. But through all the voices and talking, he was pretty sure he could hear the hard rain droplets on the roof.

He was at a funeral. Not for anyone he knew. It was for Shirabu. No, no, not him, his parents, and sister. They had gotten in a horrible car accident just 2 weeks ago. His mother, father, and sister died at the impact, Shirabu was lucky enough to get out with only a broken arm. He hadn't exactly seen Shirabu for these two weeks though. He was either at the hospital, or moving all his stuff to stay at his grandma's house. He had only heard from Shirabu from texts, and occasional calls.

Now, Semi was sitting around the middle of a church pew, at the funeral hosted for the 3. He wasn't aloud to sit up with Shirabu, since that was for family only, but he was only a few rows back. He was staring at Shirabu, only to make sure he was okay. He couldn't see Shirabu's face, only the back side of his head, but you could tell, even from behind, one could tell that he wasn't doing too well.

You could see him shaking violently, head down while the pastor spoke. He had told Semi that he had requested to not go up and say anything, because he wouldn't be able to keep himself together.

After the funeral, Semi ran off to find Shirabu. He was talking to some people, but spotted Semi and bowed to the person he was talking to, and scattered towards Semi's direction.

Shirabu reached Semi and stood there, he didn't want to look Semi in the eyes, he knew he ugly cried, and he couldn't let Shirabu see him cry again, and if he looked in Semi's eyes, he would 100% cry again.

Shirabu felt arms around his waist. He stood there for a second, before putting his own arms over Semi's neck, and started crying.

"It'll be okay, I'm right here, and I'm not going anywhere."

-

It was about a month or two later give or take, and Semi and Shirabu were laying on Shirabu's bed, in his new room. It was dark outside, and Shirabu was staying over for the night. Shirabu was laying on Semi's stomach, while they listened to music on the record played Semi had gifted to him on his birthday. Neither were talking, they were both just idly listening to some American alternative song. Shirabu couldn't understand it, but he loved this type of music, something about it just completed him. Semi though, could understand it. Semi was bilingual, and could speak both Japanese and English, that had always amazed Shirabu. he had thought that Semi was asleep, because of his steady breathing, but just then, Semi inhaled deeply, and spoke up

"I've always hated this song, you know."

Shirabu turned his head towards Semi's.

"And why's that?."

Semi laughed

"It talks about how great it is being alone, and that being in a relationship isn't as good as people say. I disagree. Being in a relationship was the best choice I ever made...

"Oh really now." Shirabu remarked, rolling his eyes.

"Or y'know, maybe my life is just THAT boring that just anything I got, I thought was the best." Semi snarked back with a sarcastic tone.

Shirabu pushed his head into Semi's stomach, making him groan in pain.

"URGLH- SHIARBU?"

Shirabu laughed but quieted down, to listen to the rest of the song play.

"Even though you might not like the lyrics. I think the music sounds nice..."

"You're right, it does."

The silence flooded the room again a the song finished off. They sat in silence for the next few songs, but something was bothering Shirabu. Semi's breathing had picked up, it was fast and unsteady.

He contemplated if he should ask Semi about it, but decided not to, he thought that Semi should be left alone for right now.

Though he really didn't have much time to make a decision, because Semi had seemed to pick up that now Shirabu was anxious. Semi's breathing steadied, and he started running his fingers through Shirabu's copper brown, soft, fluffy hair. They were now both calm, and now listening to a familiar, Japanese song that they both heard a lot. It didn't take long for them both to fall asleep.

-

"C'mon Kenjirō! You're so slow- for Christ's sake hurry up!" Semi yelled.

Shirabu came out of the clubroom, still struggling to put his jacket on.

"Calm your ass down. I'm coming."

"Oh shut up. It's getting cold, I don't wanna wait for you out here forever."

"Wuss."

"Oi?- What did you call me?" Semi growled, and flicked the back of Shirabu's head. Causing Shirabu to playfully push Semi back.

Semi laughed. God, Shirabu loved Semi's laugh, there was just something about it that he couldn't describe. It filled Shirabu up with so much light. He smiled, and hid hi face.

They walked passed the gym, where Goshiki was bothering Ushijima about if he would help perfect Goshiki's serve. Ushijima was trying to get past him to get out the door, while Tendō just watched and laughed at them.

"Oi Tsutomu, stop bothering Ushijima." Semi said, trying to sound stern but to 

Goshiki didn't pay attention, and continued to try and shove a volleyball in Ushijima's face.

"Bowl-cut, let Ushijima get through. He obviously isn't interested in helping you right now.

Goshiki whipped around, with an irritated look on his face.

"But- he told me he would practice today!"

"It's cold outside, he probably wants to get home before it gets even colder." Semi said, now actually raising his voice.

"I would listen to Semi if I were you-"

"Oh SHUT IT LOVERBIRDS. Go make out under a tree or something." Goshiki snarked.

"Wow so origin-" Shirabu started.

"I SWEAR I WILL KICK YOUR ASS." Semi shouted, now making his way towards Goshiki.

Tendō was now doubled over laughing while Shirabu just stood there with his head in his head. Shirabu managed to grab the shirt of a very flushed Semi, before he could get to Goshiki. He intertwined his hands with Semi's and wavedto the three still in the gym.

"Y'know what? Maybe we will Goshiki." Semi asserted, while flipping Gohiki off, then continued to walk with Shirabu.

-

The walk home was quiet, no words being exchanged between the two of them. Not that anything really needed to be said, the silence in the middle of them was a comforting one.

The sweet bitter breeze flew through their hair, signifying the coming winter. The trees starting to turn colors, and thethe Semi squeezed Shirabu's hand. Shirabu turned his head toward Semi's direction, and saw his face. It was all scrunched up, and it looked defeated. But Shirabu didn't say anything, for it looked as if Semi didn't want to speak at the current moment. So he just squeezed Semi's hand back, and heard Semi let out a long exhale; he caught a glimpse of Semi's face just for a second, and it was smiling, but looked like it was holding tears back. Shirabu didn't know what to feel about all of this, he did know one thing. He was scared.

They parted ways to walk home, and all Shirabu could think about was the worst.

_'What if he is sick? Or... what if he doesn't love me anymore? Does he still love me? He has too, right?'_

He didn't know exactly if Semi would ever tell him about why he had been acting weird. But he wanted to know. He wanted it to be okay. He wanted Semi to be okay.

He ended up on his doorstep, not even realizing he had gotten himself here. He let out a long sigh, and unlocked his door. He walked in seeing his family at the table. They waved him over to eat some dinner, but he declined. He couldn't eat with a full head. He scuttled off to his room, and threw himself onto his bed. He started crying, though he really didn't know the reason. He knew he was just overthinking, and Semi was probably perfectly fine, but he couldn't shake the feeling that something was actually wrong. He was just, terribly scared of what was to come.

He managed to stop crying fairly quickly. He wasn't one to show many emotions, though when he did it was normally not for long, and normally not that intense. He got up and walked over to his desk, then sat down. He stared at his phone, looking at Semi's number. He couldn't decide if he wanted to call him or not. He sat there with his hand hovering over the call button for who knows how long, but eventually he gave up fighting, and stumbled into his bed, exhausted from the crying and thinking. As soon as he hit the bed, he passed out, not bothering to even change out of his school clothes.

-

He awoke the next morning to the annoyingly loud beeps of his alarm.

He sat up and reached over to his bedside table, and slapped the top of it, frustrated. He got up and stumbled to the bathroom, legs still tired. He gazed into mirror, his face was puffy, but nothing that a little water wouldn't fix. He guessed that since he didn't cry often, it didn't take much for his face to puff up. He splashed water on his face, then sneezed after accidentally getting some up his nose. He wiped all the water off his face, and then realized he was still in his clothes form the day before.

"Oh for fucks sake. I really was a mess last night wasn't I?" He said out-loud to no one but himself, and the room around him.

He got into his school clothes, then flattened his hair, and went down to the kitchen. He grabbed some breakfast and smiled to his grandma who was feeding her dog.

"Hey sweetie, mornin- are you okay? You're face is a bit puffy.

Shit maybe the water didn't help after all.

His heart skipped a beat, but he just played it off. He didn't want his mom all over him, asking him what was wrong, especially this early in the morning.

"I don't know, I probably like had a nightmare and cried in my sleep or something." He responded.

His grandma laughed a bit. "Happens to the best of us. Stay safe on your way to school, Semi can't walk with you today, his mom texted me saying to tell you that he had to get there early for career counseling."

"I- okay..." He replied, with a tone of disappointment he didn't mean to have there.

He repositioned himself. "I mean- it's okay, I just- needed to ask him something that's all."

Wow, so subtle Shirabu.

"Just talk to him at practice silly." His grandma said, laughing once again. "He left early so he didn't have to the counseling during practice time. Also I made you some toast, it's on the counter."

"Thanks grandma." Shirabu mumbled. Walking over with his head down, not knowing what his face looked at the moment. He didn't know if his grandmother knew Semi and him were dating, he hadn't really told her directly? But he came over and stayed here a lot, and he was pretty sure they had held hands around her before? She didn't seem to have a problem with it. He just sighed out-loud, picking up the piece of toast, and went to put his shoes on.

He headed out the door, waving his grandmother goodbye, then went on his way.

He has some time to think about everything that has happened the previous night, now that he was walking alone this morning.

He remembered Semi's lost(?) face. He couldn't find a good word to really describe it other than lost, and scared. That horrible feeling from his little breakdown last night, had indeed not disappeared, but had just gotten worse. It had grown, which made him more anxious. So when he arrived at school, and a big figure hugged him from behind, he jumped pretty high up.

"You okay Kenjirō? Did I scare ya?"

"Yeah! No shit Eita." Shirabu remarked.

"Sorry. God you're jumpy today, something happen?" Semi questioned, now standing in front of Shirabu, looking him in the eyes

The way Semi could perfectly read him was actually quite scary to Shirabu. He rolled his eyes and shook his head in response to the question, then gave Semi a little kiss on the lips.

Semi smiled then took Shirabu's hand and pulled him along to the gym

_God, that smile could rival the brightest star in the universe._ Shirabu thought.

"Alright well we better head over, Tendō is gonna accuse us of making out in the empty classrooms again if we aren't there on time."

Shiarabu nodded, and got in sync with Semi's walking.

"So, how was career counseling?"

At that Semi tensed his whole body up again, along with his face, that was now scrunched, and disgusted, with maybe a hint of worry in it. Though Shirabu thought that could have just been him overreacting and seeing things.

"They're still buggin' me about not quitting volleyballto focus on studies, 'specially since I'm not doing it in collage-" Semi stopped himself.

"Wait, I thought you were?" Shirabu said, stopping and tilting his head.

"Aren't you going to a university nearby to play for them?"

"Uhm... I decided I didn't really want to anymore..."

"Oh. I see. When were you, uhm, going to tell me?"

"I just made up my decision a few days ago."Though Shirabu could see straight past that lie, he didn't wanna bother his boyfriend about it, choosing what to do in collage, if even to go at all- he knew was very stressful.

"Sorry, Kenjirō, I was just worried you would hate me for it."

Shirabu was shocked at how straightforward Semi was.

"Do you really think that lowly of me, Eita?" He said, in an suggesting sarcastic tone.

"I- Of course not!" He stuttered.

"I'm joking babes it's okay, I'm not mad at you, I know this can be stressful, and it's not like i'm going to continue to play volleyball either after highschool. I want to go to a med school, it's always interested me, though maybe i'll change my mind, I do really love volleyball."

Semi just hugged Shirabu, and took his hand again, and they continued to walk to the gym.

-

A few months passed by and after school, and after evening practice, (their last practice of the year that the 3rd years still attended even though they wouldn't be able to play any more games) Shirabu and Semi went on their home again, having to stop Goshiki again, from bothering Ushijima too much.

They walked again in silence, hand in hand. Until one spoke, breaking the comfortable silence they had built up.

"Lets go to the park." Semi piped up.

"Right now?, It's getting dark- plus it's cold outside."

"It's not as cold as it has been, tonight is the perfect night. If we need an extra coat i'll just get a cheap one at a shop nearby for like ¥1000."

"Fineeee. Okayy lets go." Shirabu groaned back.

The silence now falling upon them again, as they made their way to the park.

They arrived there around 10 minutes later. They found a good place on the grass, and collapsed next to each other. They took a few seconds to catch their breath and the laid down. They could see some stars, but they were only starting to appear. They laid there for a while side by side on their backs, watching as more stars appeared.

Shirabu cuddled up closer to Semi, as Semi wrapped his arm around Shirabu.

After a few minutes of watching the stars sparkle, and the thin clouds slowly pass by, Shirabu felt something shaking next to him, he quickly turned his head to see his boyfriend crying. Shirabu was horrified, he was crying extensively, though you could tell that he was trying to keep it from Shirabu. OnceSemi had realized Shirabu had seen him, he let it all out. He started sobbing, which scared Shirabu.

"Semi?! Semi are you okay?!" Shirabu said, voice cracking shaking Semi.

"I- I'm sorry."

"Why are you sorry? Please stop you're scaring me- please..."

After a few minutes of Shirabu cooing at Semi, and stroking his hair, he finally got him to stop.

"Fuck Eita... that scared me so bad are you okay? Please tell me-" Shirabu started.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to I just..." Semi interrupted, but then trailed off.

Shirabu waited for a second to see if he would finish, but he didn't, so he continued.

"Don't apologize, I was just worried for you, I- you've been acting so strange lately and it scared me so much, I thought you didn't love me anymore, I- do you still love me?-..." Shirabu rambled.

"Of course I do, Kenjirō, I love you so much."

Semi looked up to the sky. "I love you to the moon and back."

Shirabu smiled, and kissed Semi on the cheek. He looked up to the sky aswell, following his boyfriend's glance.

"Kenjirō?" Semi asked, now squeezing Shirabu's hand, hard.

"...Yeah, Eita?" Shirabu knew he hesitated to reply, but he knew he was just more scared to see what Semi was going to say. Was it going to be bad? He didn't know the answer to that, though he just went along with it, trying not to lose it himsef.

"You'll love me forever right?"

"Of course I will, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me... I am to you too right? That's what you said while we were listening to that song you always said you hated."

"You are. You really are. That song just never seemed to sit right with me though... I guess that lead me to hatred."

Shirabu snickered.

"They turned to face each other, and leaned in for a kiss, now it seemed that both of them for crying. Though Shirabu knew Semi probably had a reason, Shirabu himself didn't know why he was crying, he just was.

Semi pulled out of the kiss after a bit (of them making out) and looked at Shirabu in his eyes, his beautiful, light brown eyes, shining (even more now that the copper haired boy was crying).

But then Semi got all serious, and Shirabu realized this and sat back a bit. He watched as Semi repeatedly opened and closed his mouth, seeing to try and find something to say. Just as Shirabu was about to end the silence, Semi blurted something out.

"America."

...

"Huh?" Shirabu questioned.

"I'm... I'm going to America... for... college..."

Shirabu was almost 100% sure his heart stopped for a good few seconds.

"What?- what do you mean- I-" Shirabu trailed off not knowing what to say.

"I'm going to be uh, studying music in America, in California actually..."

"That's... that's so far away..." Shirabu mumbled, feeling the hot tears on his face again.

Shirabu didn't know what to think, he felt like his whole world was going to fall apart. He lost his parents, and his sister... and now Semi was leaving, to go to a whole different country, not even, a whole different continent. e No... this can't be happening, he can't. No, he can't lose Semi- he can't lose this too.

"B-But why America- It's so far away? It's so far away from me?!"

"I love American style music, and I git accepted into a college there, this is the best chance I have to fulfill my dream of being in an band! And it helps that I'm bilingual, that will get me farther then someone else who isn't."

"Semi you- you-" Shirabu lost control.

"I LOST EVERYTHING. I CANT LOSE YOU TOO, EITA."

Semi just turned his head down, he placed hand near Shirabu's but he yanked it away.

"Please Kenjirō..."

Shirabu didn't say anything, he couldn't, he couldn't find any words to say, none. He was too in shock. All he did was shake his head. He refused to believe this was true, he did NOT want Semi to leave, he didn't want the love of his life to leave.

"I HATE you Semi. I hate you so much."

And Shirabu left, he ran away, leaving a defeated Semi lying on the grass, reaching out for him. Leaving him there, with nothing but the moon and the stars.

-

The last day of school had finally come, and Shirabu hadn't spoken to Semi in a week. He had been ignoring Semi, which was now easier since there was no more practice.

Semi had tried to find Shirabu and had tried to talk to him, but to no avail, he gave up on the last Friday, signifying the end of the school year.

The third year's graduation day came up the next day, and to Semi's dismay, Shirabu didn't show up.

He wasn't here... he didn't answer when I rang the doorbell to his house... Fuck

Shirabu was sitting in his room, and looked at the clock.

_6:36pm... The ceremony should have just started, maybe I SHOULD have gone... No, I shouldn't have. I was right not to... right?_

He brushed it off and continued to look through the boxes he was cleaning out to distract himself from all of this bullshit.

He put stuff into piles, for stuff he wanted to keep, and stuff he didn't. The cleaning continued until he found a box under his bed, it wasn't too dusty, meaning it had been taken out not too long ago, and Shirabu recognized it, but from where?

He went to open the small box, but hesitated, for reasons he didn't know.

He finally opened it, with wonders to see what the little thing had to hold. He opened it, then memories flooded back to him. Photographs. Photographs of him and Semi, to be precise. He now knew where he had seen the box before, it was a gift that Shirabu had received from Semi, he thinks for their 6 month anniversary. Now that he thought about it, Semi had gifted Shirabu a lot of things, the record, the photo box, and way more goodies he had jut gotten Shirabu over the course time of their relationship, that Shirabu didn't even know he had anymore. He knew he fucked up, and he said shit he would do anything to take back (even though he was still a bit mad, well not mad, more upset, and scared than mad) but he couldn't go back, he needed to deal with the consequences.

He decided to look at some of the picture more. There were some of the two at a party, Shirabu remembered to be Semi's 18th Birthday Party. Another was from a date they went to at the fair. He remembered specifically it was their first. He thought of the part that they went onto the ferris wheel, and shared their first kiss. It was a bit cold outside that evening, though the breeze felt jut right at the time.

Shirabu felt the now familiar tears on his cheeks again, the ones he had became familiar with, over the past week.

He wiped them away, and refused to keep looking in his little box, but walked over to his bedside table, and placed them inside for another time.

The boy sat on his bed, going through everything that had happened in the past week, every mistake he made. All he wanted now was to see Semi again, but he couldn't let Semi see him like this, he just couldn't . So he decided he would go buy some flowers for him and give them, just as a small "I'm sorry" gift to Semi the next day.

-

He woke up, excited, but eager. He just needed to see Semi again today, nothing else in this world mattered. What he wanted most was to look into those chocolate brown eyes, even if they rejected him, turned him away, didn't accept him back. He just needed the comfort of having Semi around him again. This was the longest he had been away from the older in a while. He couldn't stand it any longer.

After his run to the convenient store for the flowers, he ran, fast, towards Semi's house. With a smile on his face. He approached the doorstep and rang the doorbell, waiting anxiously for at least someone to answer the door, after a few seconds, someone did, it wasn't Semi, but his mother.

"Oh- Hello Shirabu-kun! What a surprise!"

Shirabu wondered why.

"Uhm- Hello! Is... is Eita here?"

She got a confused look on her face. "Uhm Dear? He left for the airport two hours ago. Didn't he tell you?"

Semi's world froze, those words echoed around in his head, they weren't stopping, they wouldn't.

"What do you mean?- I- No he didn't tell me-"

"Oh... Uhm- Well his flight leaves in around 45 minutes, you might be able to catch him before his flight leaves."

"THANK YOU! HAVE A GOOD DAY!" Shirabu yelled, as he ran off.

He ran as fast as he could toward the train station, he needed to take one that would take him to the airport, he could make it there in about 30 minutes if he was lucky, but then also a 5 minute walk from there.

He caught a train, and was anxious the whole way, he pulled out his phone, but saw it was dead, yeah, he should have known; forgetting to charge his phone was a bad habit, one that Semi would always call him out on, and tease him for this.

The who ride Shirabu was antsy, but finally, it was over with, he got off, flowers still in hand, and made a b-line straight towards the airport. He made it there at 6:39pm. He was told at around 6:10 that his flight was leaving "in around 45 minutes".

"Please let me be able to see him, please." He said out-loud to himself as he ran into the airport. He ran around, not knowing which was he needed to go. He then spotted two familiar faces, or rather, two familiar heads of hair. One being Tendō, and the other, Ushijima. He ran over them. They spotted him and waved, but their faces showing signs of remorse.

"Tendō! Ushijima! Is-" He was interrupted.

"He's already gone, we- we just saw him off just now..." Tendō said, trying not to lay the news on him too harshly. "He told us that you guys had a pretty bad fight..."

"Oh, but here," Ushijima started while handing something to Shirabu.

"He told us to give this to you as soon as possible. So here." Ushijima finished, handing a sealed envelope to him.

Shirabu stood there know with the envelope, that he was holding loosely in his hand. It struck him. Semi was gone, he was gone, he didn't get a chance to say goodbye, this was all his fault. He felt like a brick was hitting him, in the heart, and lungs. He found it now hard to breathe. The fact that he wouldn't see Semi again- for at least a while, made him... he couldn't explain it, it was too much for his mind to comprehend. Especially right now, in this moment. He wanted Semi back, right here, standing here next to him, hugging him, telling him it was all going to be okay, telling him that Semi wasn't going anywhere.

"I-" He couldn't speak, he didn't know where to start.

All Tendō and Ushijima could do was watch, as their kouhai just stood there, hopeless, defeated. He really was defeated, he was nothing else, but just a hopeless, horrible, defeated- jerk....

He didn't know when, but sometime when he was standing there, Ushijima and Tendō went on their way. He didn't blame them, no, he deserved to be left here.

After what seemed like forever of him just standing there in the airport, he decided to head out before it got any darker then it was.

He walked back to the station, still trying to take in everything. He would wake up tomorrow, and, would wake up to Semi knocking on the door, or maybe even with him, because this had to all be a dream, this couldn't really be happening, could it? Everything would be okay the next day, he knew it would, it had to be, he didn't know how to go on if it wasn't.

Shirabu doesn't remember the train ride home, his mind was too fogged up. He was trying, trying to snap out of this dream, out of this nightmare, but he couldn't, no matter what he thought, no matter what he did, nothing seemed to be working. Before he knew it, his body had auto-piloted him home, to his front doorstep, all he could see were the memories of Semi and him coming home from a walks, and for Semi to enter in next him, to stay the night.

He entered the house wobbling back and forth on his feet, trying to remove his shoes and stay steady. His grandmother was most likely in her room watching TV, because a dinner plate was left out on the table for him, he took a bit out of it, hoping maybe it would make him feel better, maybe this would snap him out of whatever dream... or nightmare- or faze he was in. But it didn't, it was tasteless. He swallowed it, heading off to his room. He sat down at his desk, and put the letter down in front of him, under his little reading light. He looked it at for a bit, catching himself having a staring competition with it, because maybe if he won, this would all go away.

He picked it up again, running his fingers along the sides of the side of the think paper. He finally maneuvered his hands to the envelope front, and tore it open as softly as he could, not wanting to tear anything, though he failed as he ripped a little tear in the envelope flap. He sighed, trying to not mind it, as he took out the small letter inside.

It was folded, in such a precise way only one person he knew could pull it off. He hesitated to unfold the lose leaf paper that were now being held in his trembling hands. He unfolded it once, then twice, the the last, finding a neatly written note, in that neat, so familiar, handwritten. He couldn't stop the tears now as he started reading.

_Dear Kenjirō,_

_I don't know exactly how to start this letter, it's friday, and i'm supposed to be departing tomorrow after the graduation ceremony, I don't know if you will show up, but I highly doubt it; you are stubborn, after all. You see when I told you all of this, I wasn't expecting you to take it well, I know you would burst out, and yell at me, and that is why I didn't tell you immediately, I hated to see you not next to me, laughing, and talking. I really do miss you, and I just know you miss me too. I know you, Kenjirō, the only reason you haven't come back yet, is because of how stubborn you are, but I love that about you, it's an amazing quality, I can surely say that._

_When I first figured it out, that I was accepted into the college in America, I wasn't too happy, for one solid reason. You. I didn't quite think I would get in, or even get out on a waitlist, but no, they accepted me. Don't get me wrong, I was thrilled, it was a dream come true. But what's a dream really, if you aren't in it with me? I thought on this a lot, and after a while of fighting with myself, I decided i did want to go. I wanted to pursue the dream that I always wanted to, you know, to be in a band?_

_I was scared, of what you were going to think, ans say, and how you would react overall. Kenjirō you were the only thing keeping me here. Maybe, just maybe, if I had told you sooner, I could have cancelled my plans to go to this certain college so far away. But I just, couldn't bring myself to, you were so happy, and I didn't want to make that face do nothing but smile. When you lost your parents and sister, I wished more then anything in this world, that I could stay here with you, so you wouldn't have to lose anyone else, but I knew it was too late, I couldn't have, I had already arranged my living plans there. I had nothing to do but just watch you cry, and watch you suffer, knowing I was just going to add onto it in the months coming._

_I love you, I love you with everything I have, everything I have ever been and will ever be. You are my light, and will forever be. But, I think we need to take time apart, we both don't do good with long distance. Oh I know too well. But I'll be back. I'm not saying you should wait for me, that's not what i'm saying at all. What I do ask if for you to please try and love again, get yourself out there and date someone else, be free, and try to be happy, don't spend all your time moping about me, because in the end, that won't get your anywhere. I love you Kenjirō Shirabu, and I will never stop loving you. I love you to the moon and back. Maybe one day I could write a song about you, but i'll make it happy, i'll make people believe that love can be the best feeling in the world, as long as you find the right person._

_I'm truly sorry. I can't put into words how much I'm going to miss you, how much it's going to hurt not having you by my side every day, and even though you might not want to believe it, I know it's going to be hard for you too. Stay safe, you got it? And I know you're stubbornness won't let you text me, but maybe call me once in a while, alright? I wish you, and the team the best, and please..._

_Be the great setter, the great setter that I will never be, and when you go off to college? Please fulfill your dream aswell._

_In great love, and hopefulness,_

_Eita_

_(p.s. i listened to that song again, you know the one i always said i hated? i listened to it on repeat the other day, trying to make out the best in it, looking at it from different angles, and still, i come down to have a dislike towards it. you're right, the music is beautiful, this song is a piece of art, that's for sure, but the person who wrote it, hasn't seem to find that right one yet. they will, they just need time, and maybe one day they will also look back on that song, and think about how foolish they were. only maybe though. i guess we'll just have to wait and see huh?)_

_(p.p.s. i was thinking about how you said you hated me, it stuck with me for a bit, and i sincerely hope you really don't, and i hope that was just all out of anger, i should probably stop writing now shouldn't i?)_

Shirabu put the letter down, his whole body now violently shaking all together. He knows now. Semi was struggling so hard to tell him, and when he finally got up the courage to face Shirabu that one night under the stars, Shirabu had pushed him away, and told him that he hated him. He collapsed on his floor, bawling now, not being able to hold anything in, it was all too much, he wanted Semi back, but here he was, curled up on his hardwood floor, crying his eyes out, because of a mistake he made, he wanted more then anything, to just go back.

But he couldn't. He knew that.

He stumbled up, and reached for the record, he put on that one song, the song that Semi hated, and listened to it, until he passed out, on the floor. Surrounded by his own tears.

The only thing keeping him going everyday, was that Semi was happy, and if Semi was happy, and fulfilling his dream, he should be happy, for him.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I'm sorry about the sad ending, though tomorrow won't have a happy one either. 
> 
> If you would like! Go read my other books for #HaikyuuAngstWeek2020! i would dearly appreciate it🥺 and if you want to see more I would go check out their twitter! @hqangstweek


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